On Being Conditioned by Other Species

Photo: Tim D. McCann

I'm a fan of science fiction going back to my youth and I do occasionally write supernatural fiction (I'm working on the outline for the next one now), but I have to admit that I'm still creeped out at how subtly and insidiously I am being conditioned by members of other species that reside in my house. I feel as though I should be in a body snatchers movie running down the middle of the road shouting "they're among us!" and "they're taking us over!"

For example, I have a fluffy orange and white cat who looks completely harmless until I get up from this desk. He then begins a mind control routine featuring whiny vocalizations that ultimately compel me to feed him, if only to make the horrible sound stop. This happens many, many times a day. I feel so ... used.

Then there's the specimen pictured on the left. This hefty Siamese-DSH likes to come and go as he pleases.The front door is not far from this desk, where I try to spend much of my day. Problem is, I tend to be a little distracted. I tap on the keyboard and stare at the monitor. But look at those penetrating blue eyes. Who can resist...... You will obey..... I wish to go outdoors....... When direct mind control through visual compulsion fails, because I'm paying more attention to the monitor than to him, he has trained me to get up and open the door for him by jumping up on this desk and sitting on my right hand. The one I use to move the mouse around. He waits until I put my hand on the mouse and then he pounces. When I try to resist, moving the mouse around beneath his bulk, he shifts his weight a little to overflow onto the keyboard, which begins to squawk horribly in a shrill error message. He knows this sound triggers my deepest conditioning and that I will immediately get up and do his bidding.

Just when I think I'm finally free from their horrible grasp, I relax a little and shift my weight. This causes my chair to emit a loud noise. Immediately my border collie, the vacuum fighter, arrives with a toy in his mouth, demanding to play. He understands this prompt will cause me to get up and give him a treat as an attempted bribe. "For godsakes chew this and leave me alone!" I plead.

Of course, Mike. We only want what's best for you. Relax. There's no cause for alarm. Just let it happen...... It'll be all right. You'll see.....